Five Times Homura Loved, and One Time She Didn't
by AshuriiAkemi
Summary: Love is a dangerous emotion. Homura learns this the hard way. Five times Homura loved, and was loved in return, and one time she wasn't. AU. Yuri.


**oo1.**

She doesn't want to call it love at first sight, mostly because she doesn't know what love feels like. After spending so long by herself in a hospital bed, with parents that can't be bothered to pay her any mind and friends who have forgotten she exists, all she knows is loneliness.

She does know that there are flutters in her stomach when the impeccably coiffed and dressed blonde offers her a polite bow and a warm smile the likes of which she hasn't seen in a long time. And she knows that her palms are maybe a little bit sweaty when the blonde – Tomoe Mami, the girl every other girl in Mitakihara Middle School wants to be – takes her hand and guides her through the hallways. The building is large and sleek and intimidating and she doesn't know how she will ever remember how to navigate. She hopes she will have the opportunity to learn its halls by heart.

Mami is soft and sweet and every time Homura sneaks a glance at her out of the corner of her eye – looking down; even though Mami is at least a year older, Homura has always been tall and willowy and an extended hospital stay couldn't change that – her heart beats faster and she learns that there are different kinds of intimidating and Mami iss one of them.

Time passes, and she finds that she remembers the way Mami smiles and how her hair bounces when she walks and the light in her eyes when Homura stops being so painfully shy that she stutters every other word better than she remembers the layout of the school's hallways. The heavy blush on her face prompts her senpai – everybody's senpai, truthfully; there isn't a single student in their classes who doesn't look up to Tomoe Mami – to ask her if everything is alright.

Homura isn't quite sure what to say. In truth, she is a little afraid that if she opens her mouth, something horribly embarrassing will come out before she can stop it. Something that would make Mami stop smiling that painfully bright smile at her and greeting her every day as they passed each other on their ways to homeroom. So she just nods, and if anything, her blush darkens.

She is sure Mami doesn't believe her, but she is also sure that the blonde won't say a word about it unless she thinks that Homura is hurting somehow.

Later that day, as she picks at her lunch, only barely paying attention to the conversation of her classmates – she has somehow acquired the friendship of the most popular girls in the eighth grade, Kaname Madoka and Miki Sayaka and Shizuka Hitomi, and she is positive that Mami has something to do with it – she realizes that she is hurting. Just a little, but she is.

It's supposed to be wrong to like other girls. That's what her parents have always told her. She never quite believes them, but all the same, the feelings that well up when she speaks to Mami make her a little nervous. Surely someone like Tomoe Mami isn't abnormal enough to like girls, anyway, so it's just going to get her hurt if she doesn't stop.

But, really, hurt is all that Homura knows.

So the next time Mami invites her over for tea – just her, shy and awkward Akemi Homura that no one could ever possibly think of as bold – she catches the older blonde's hand before she can walk away to brew their tea and portion out whatever fancy cake she's made this time, and she blurts out the words before she can stop herself.

Mami doesn't hesitate. She quirks her lips, as if she's a little bit amused by what she just heard, stretches up, and presses her warm, full lips to Homura's thin ones.

Feeling Tomoe Mami flush against her, their lips connecting in a moment that is pure bliss, Homura is sure that this is heaven. And then it ends, and it is far too soon, and unless she is mistaken the smile on the blonde's face is just a little bit bitter.

They sit down across from each other, and Homura nibbles at the cake. It's fresh, and it tastes like the sweetest strawberries, but nothing will ever compare to the sweetness that is Mami. She isn't sure she can describe what she had tasted when Mami's tongue had explored her mouth for a few seconds that felt like an eternity.

She has never had much of a sweet tooth, but she does now.

Homura is drawn out of her thoughts when Mami sighs, gaze locking on those full lips as the blonde begins to speak. Mami notices, reaches across the table, and tilts her head upward just a bit, so she's staring into Mami's honey-hued eyes.

They are serious, not bright, and she can tell from Mami's posture alone that something is wrong. Her heart threatens to beat its way out of her chest. Homura is certain that she is what is wrong.

So when the words pour out and spin a tale she could not have thought of in her wildest dreams, Homura is relieved. Her friends are so absolutely extraordinary, aren't they? They silently protect the town from the bad guys, these witches, as magical girls – just like the ones in the anime she used to watch when she was younger. Only these ones were real.

Mami tells Homura that she has been dreadfully lonely for such a long time. Homura is surprised, but not really. She knows how one can feel lonely even among a throng of friends.

She doesn't have to be lonely anymore, though. She's known of Homura's feelings for a long time, but the knowledge that she could die at any time, if she got a little unlucky – it never occurs to Mami that she could be outclassed in terms of power – has given her cause for restraint. She does not want to hurt Homura like that.

But Homura says it's okay. She says she understands, and she's willing to take the risk if it means she can have her beloved senpai's love.

They seal the deal with another kiss, and Homura practically clings to Mami, unwilling to let go now that she has the blonde in her grasp. Mami pulls the taller girl into her lap and strokes her hair, and there they stay for hours. She doesn't want it to end.

Mami gives her a knowing smile, kisses her forehead, and shoos her out the door. They have school tomorrow, after all. But mostly, she's just not sure she wants to let her fragile Homura-chan see her fight a witch. Not yet.

When Walpurgisnacht comes, she has no choice. Mami is unable to tell her dark-haired girl no when Homura pouts and gives her that look. So she tells her about Walpurgisnacht, and how it is the scariest witch they will ever have to face, a witch so strong that they have no choice but to fight together – not that they would ever do it any differently – but she also tells Homura that there is nothing to worry about. Mami is strong, Sayaka is cunning, and Madoka is determined. Combined, there is no way they could lose.

Walpurgisnacht proves her wrong when one of her familiars catches the blonde off guard and shatters her Soul Gem before she even gets the chance to scream.

And when Madoka and Sayaka see their older, wiser, stronger compatriot fall lifeless to the ground in front of them, they share a glance, and there is fear in their eyes the likes of which Homura has never seen.

She is in shock. Mami promised that she would be okay. That they would all be okay. And she was wrong. Homura does not know what to do.

Sayaka does. She whispers in Madoka's ear for a moment, and they both nod. They _will_ do it, even if it costs them both their lives.

And it does.

When Madoka speaks, her words are so soft that Homura almost doesn't hear her. She asks Homura – begs her – please, please change this. She has the power to.

All she has to do is make a contract with a white specter, the little devil that caused the deaths of her best friends.

And she does. She wishes to prevent this from happening – to stop Madoka from becoming a magical girl and making the same mistakes.

Her words wish for Madoka.

Her heart wishes for Mami.

When she turns the dial on her new shield on instinct, she finds herself waking up in the hospital the day before she started eighth grade at Mitakihara Middle School.

And she knows what she must do.

**oo2.**

On the first reset, she fails to save Mami. The blonde dies a few hours after they meet, saving the newly contracted Sayaka from a witch she couldn't handle.

On the second reset, she fails to save Madoka. She lives through the entire month, befriends Madoka – still doesn't see her as anything more than an obligation; maybe if Mami had not snapped when Kyuubey told her the truth of the Soul Gems, Homura would not have reset time again. Madoka has been her friend, but Mami has been so much more than that. Maybe not in this time, or the next, but Homura will never forget the first Mami – the original – the one who loved her.

So she resets time again. She does not hesitate to pursue Mami. In this time, the blonde is a little less conservative in private. At fourteen years old, Homura loses her virginity to the adventurous girl. She does not have the heart to tell Mami that this? This is not what she wants. She wants strong, safe arms and gentle kisses and sweet moments of solace. But if this is how she has to have Mami, that's alright.

She is sure she will learn to love rough touches and nipped lips and the way Mami's fingers thread through her hair and tighten their grip painfully every time Homura does as she is told.

This Mami tastes sweet, too.

When Madoka goes behind her back and makes a contract with Kyuubey because she wanted Sayaka to be happy – she thinks she knows what her best friend wants, what a stupid girl; some nights she wonders why she wished to save _Madoka_ and not _Mami_, and curses her mistakes – she has no choice but to reset the timeline again.

She is jealous. In the end, Madoka will get her happy ending, and what will that leave Homura with? Powers she does not want, another obligation she does not wish to fulfill – there is no guarantee that _she_ will get her happy ending too.

She almost snaps at that moment.

Madoka, in frilly costume, clutching a bow that she has no idea how to use in her shaking hands, is terrified of the look on Homura's face. She squeaks when Homura levels a gun and a baleful glare at her. And before she can stop herself, she shoots, and the translucent pink gem shatters. Madoka doesn't understand, but Homura knows that she would rather be dead than a magical girl.

But Mami will never love a comrade killer, and that is what makes her start over again.

**oo3.**

The blonde-haired apple of her eye is not close to Madoka in this time. This is the first major divergence. Instead, she fights witches alongside a redhead that Homura has never seen – Sakura Kyouko. Arrogant. Ruthless. Exactly the opposite of Tomoe Mami.

She watches them in secret some nights – whenever she can be sure that Madoka will not make another foolish decision – and she is bored with most of what she sees. However, one night, Sakura Kyouko makes a foolish mistake and almost gets her Soul Gem shattered.

Mami finishes off the witch and pulls Kyouko close, pressing her lips to the redhead's in a fierce kiss, the intensity of which shocks Homura to her core. Suddenly, she is filled with anger, and she knows that even if she resets time a hundred or a thousand more times, she will never be able to look at Sakura Kyouko without wanting to _choke_ her for daring to touch her beloved Mami.

From that night on, Homura ignores Mami and Kyouko completely. Let them fight all the witches. She has something much more important to attend to.

She puts a smile on her face and saunters over to the inseparable trio – she has reset time at least three dozen times by now, and there has never been a time when Madoka, Sayaka, and Hitomi have not been friends – and asks if she can eat lunch with them. Ever friendly, they accept.

If Homura spends a little more time with Madoka than she probably should, Sayaka and Hitomi pretend not to notice. It's clear that the violet-eyed girl has got it bad. They just don't know that she is pining after a blonde that, in this time, will never give her more than a casual glance, and not their cotton candy sweet friend. Secretly, they think dark Homura could use someone like Madoka in her life, even if Hitomi isn't quite sure she approves.

It is no shock to Homura when Hitomi makes the contract and Sayaka is quick to follow, unwilling to let her secret crush fight alone. It is also no shock to Homura when Hitomi dies – she has never been the most talented magical girl – and Sayaka gives in to her despair and becomes the witch Oktavia.

She leaves Madoka alone that night and exterminates Oktavia herself. And in the morning, she walks with Madoka to school, just as usual. If the younger girl notices the absence of her friends, and of course she does, she does not mention it.

She is still completely shocked when Homura pulls her aside, pushes her up against a wall, and kisses her with a ferocity that scares Madoka. And she knows Homura can see it in her eyes.

Hurt beyond belief – beyond Madoka's belief, anyway – Homura pulls away, and her gaze darkens. She turns and walks away – away from Madoka, from the school, from everything, just keeps walking and walking and walking.

When she is far enough out of Mitakihara Town, she falls to her knees, and she screams.

Somewhere along the way, she has fallen in love with Kaname Madoka.

And she knows that when Madoka learns that Sayaka and Hitomi are dead – and she will find out, if she hasn't already – she will call Kyuubey and do something stupid and waste her life for two girls that are meant to die.

She has not yet seen a timeline where Miki Sayaka and Shizuka Hitomi are allowed to live.

**oo4.**

She does not bother looking for Mami this time. The wound is still too raw, her heart still bleeding too much, for her to want to pursue the blonde again. She is still in love with her – painfully so, even – but Madoka needs her.

She can already feel the approach of Walpurgisnacht, and that is terrifying. She has faced this witch before, on her lonesome, and nearly _won_ – but any witch you can feel a month before its arrival is not a witch you want to face alone.

She has no choice but to seek out the other magical girls – Sakura Kyouko, even though she wants to wipe that smirk off her face, _permanently_; Miki Sayaka, who has not gotten any wiser, but has deadened her senses and become a berserker the likes of which Homura has never seen; Shizuka Hitomi, still pitifully weak, but, as the inhuman part of Homura notes, at least a decent distraction; and Tomoe Mami, whom she has to send Sayaka to recruit because she does not know if she can keep her cool in a room alone with the blonde.

She trains them, she tells them of the horrors that they will have to face, and above all, she tells them that they must protect Kaname Madoka and prevent her from making the contract with Kyuubey. They wish to know why. She cannot tell them the truth. So she says that if Madoka becomes a magical girl, she will bring catastrophic events to the world that nothing and no one can survive.

They don't quite believe her, and she knows it, but at least they are willing to listen.

She does not coordinate with the other magical girls very often. Instead she spends her time with Madoka, doing her best to make the girl return her love.

And, eventually, she does.

Homura knows that manipulating someone into loving you is _wrong_, but holding Madoka, kissing her, playing with her hair and making her squirm – Homura does not care.

The foolish girl insists on being there when the five magical girls face Walpurgisnacht. Homura does not have the heart to tell her no.

Sayaka goes out first. Speared through the abdomen by a flickering familiar, there is no way her Soul Gem does not shatter.

Hitomi is next. Seeing Sayaka die is _always_ enough to turn the green-eyed girl into a witch. This time, she is more powerful than they expected.

Mami and Kyouko share a glance. The blonde joins Homura at her defensive position. Kyouko enters the barrier of the witch that was Hitomi. Homura never cares enough to remember this witch's name.

Somehow, she knows that Kyouko will not come out of the barrier.

Back to back with Mami, bullets flying faster than the eye can see, sparks filling the air, Homura knows they have lost. Mami is powerful, but it is not enough.

Homura is smart and stubborn and always _so close_ but it is _never_ enough.

She does not watch Mami die.

She just resets time, again.

**oo5.**

She has never been closer to giving up.

Madoka has become her world. Her purpose in life. Her only reason to not give in to the despair that is always lurking, so close, just out of her sight.

She makes sure they all survive to the night of Walpurgisnacht. She coordinates them, makes sure they know not to do anything rash – like charge the witch or commit suicide by locking themselves in a barrier somehow – but it is all for naught.

It does not matter how well the magical girls work together when Kaname Madoka is crushed by a building that the witch sent flying.

She kneels next to where she knows what is left of Madoka's body lies. She cannot see the pink-haired girl, and that is the one thing she has to be thankful for at this horrible moment.

The others are concerned, but they fight. Homura does not even notice as they die one by one.

She sits there, and she sobs. This was going to be the time where they won. If she had fought with the others, they could have taken down Walpurgisnacht, she _knew_ it.

But Madoka happened to stand in the wrong place at the wrong time.

She is so frustrated, and so, so tired…

**o1.**

This is her last chance. She doesn't know how she knows, but – this is it. The cycle is coming to an end and she refuses to give up. This time, the world will play by her rules, and she will keep _everyone_ alive, no matter what it costs her.

Somewhere along the way she has grown fond of brash Kyouko and charming Sayaka and reserved Hitomi. Her love for Mami has never really faded and her love for Madoka grows stronger every day.

Love is a very dangerous emotion.

They don't know how badly they are hurting her. How could they possibly know?

As Homura peers out at the two loves of her life – wrapped in each other's arms, pressed so close they couldn't possibly be mistaken for simply friends – and watches liquid gold and cotton candy connect with an intensity of feeling she could only ever dream of, it _hurts_.

A shaking hand creeps toward her shield. She _could _do it. It would irrevocably wreck time, but – she could do it.

She shouldn't. This timeline is supposed to be _it_. Madoka is alive. She can be protected. Everything can go right.

But gods, it is _torture_ to see them and know that, even if all goes well, she will _never_ have what the two of them have.

Sometimes Homura allows herself to be selfish.

Her hand rests on her shield. In a split second, she could make this pain a distant memory, one soon to be tucked away among a million other memories.

Sometimes, she glances down at her steadily darkening Soul Gem, and she remembers what it is she's fighting for.

_Madoka_. No matter what, she has to save Madoka. She has to make her happy.

And if she found her happiness in blonde curls and full lips and wide hips, well…

Who was Homura to take that away from her?

Sometimes love means suffering in silence.

She forces down the despair, that sour taste in the back of her throat, and she does something for the very first time.

She walks away.


End file.
